Core Values + Results Everywhere In Life… Except at Work

When Threads was created, my HR manager was initially skeptical.  She thought it was going to be too big of a change for the organization to consume.  We already had an efficient performance management system in place and she thought about the amount of work that it was going to take for her personally to make it happen.  Yet, she followed up her skepticism with an even more interesting statement,

“I would love to use this concept on my husband.  I’d like him to know that moving the yard, washing the cars, cleaning the garage and bringing home a good paycheck isn’t all there is to a successful marriage.  When was the last time you took me out on a date?  When was the last time you suggested we go out to dinner or made plans with another couple?  You know, the things you used to do before you tricked me into marrying you?”

She laughed as she said this, but at that moment I knew Threads was going to be successful.  Threads works universally in every workplace because it makes sense in real life.  

Human beings are hardwired for Threads.  We have evolved or been created to need the “how we do it” to be happy and satisfied in any interpersonal relationship.  This is true with your spouse, your children, your friends, your sports team and in the workplace.  A strict focus primarily on results, KPIs, goals, efficient administration and financial success will never satisfy anyone on your team because it neglects the “how” part of the equation that every employee needs to be happy at work.

Before you dismiss the idea as “never going to work for my team” or say that you're too busy for things like this, consider this story from Pastor Brian.

What’s Missing From Our Relationship?

Several years ago, I had an interesting discussion while helping a pastor from a church implement Threads with his staff.  Pastor Brian had been with the church a number of years and often performed relationship counseling for parishioners.  Brian said that Threads reminded him of a counseling session he just completed.

“I was counseling a young couple who had been married for almost a year.  They had come in to discuss and find a solution to some marital problems.  I sat and listened to both individuals, one at a time, detail all of the things that they do inside of the relationship.  

“She said how she was doing the laundry, all of the shopping, handling their newborn baby, cleaning the house, and managing the countless responsibilities that it takes to run a household.  The young man would then reply with how he was bringing home the paycheck, working 10 hours a day, mowing the yard, taking care of the cars and managing their improvement projects around the house.  The husband would say, “You see, you aren’t the only one who’s busy around here!”

This was the EXACT situation Pastor Brian had seen play out in counseling many times before.

“Once it is agreed upon that both people are busy and doing plenty of things around the household, the mood of the conversation usually shifts. Now is the time when sadness, tears, and hurt come to the surface.  I listen to both people describe how the other doesn’t have time for them anymore.  How they appear not to care and are more interested in other people or things. Why are there no dates, or moments anymore for just the two of them?  He says that she’s always too tired, and she says he is never one to help get a babysitter and arrange for them to go out. 

“While they speak, they look only at me and not at each other.  It’s like clockwork… two people who are committed to working together with each other, sitting 3 feet apart, focused on comparing all the things they do.  All the while never taking a minute to consider what is missing, what each one of them really needs.

“Both people want love, affection, appreciation… the “how” about the way the other person makes them feel.  Both believe that they earned what they wanted by their performance in the relationship.  Both people want to go back to the time before all of the responsibilities and obligations of life got in the way of their love.”

“It is easy to see it from my seat, but sitting 3 feet apart, neither one of them can even look at each other and admit that.”

Pastor Brian continued,

“It is so incredibly sad to see people in this position.  As these feelings are neglected over time, their situation becomes permanent.  It is the new reality of their life.  They become two roommates arguing over who’s doing what chores.  It is very dangerous territory for a marriage.

“When I go back to the weddings and think about the vows, you know the promises they make as they stand in front of one another, their families and friends.  How often do I hear them promise results?  Chores?  Going to work and earning paychecks or taking care of the kids?  Almost always the promises on the wedding day are centered around the “How” they are to be married.  They talk about loving, honoring and cherishing each other through good times and bad.  Even onto death they promise the other person that the “How” part of the marriage really matters.

“It’s almost as if someone from a long time ago knew, in advance, that the HOW was going to be the part of being married that was most in danger of being neglected.” 

The Same Thing Is Missing At Work

Your leadership is like the marriage Pastor Brian described.  Finance, technology and administrative HR have given you every system you need and every piece of data imaginable to run your business. You are busier than ever.  It’s not enough and you try harder.  

“We offer competitive pay, great benefits, paid time off.  We’ve added perks and flexibility to our scheduling during the pandemic and now we are offering sign on bonuses to cover our turnover and get people in the door!  People still aren’t happy!”

And you are not happy either. As you think about how hard you are trying and how much you are providing, you are also starting to build the feeling of animosity towards the people you care about protecting and serving.

If the young man or woman in Pastor Brian’s office decided to work harder on the “results” would it provide what’s missing in their relationship?  What if the husband remodeled their kitchen?  What if the wife put in extra time to make the home run smoothly?  Their efforts will increase, resentment or apathy will grow and their negative feelings about the other person will continue to harden.

What if you are sitting in Pastor Brian’s office, 3 feet apart from the people you are trying to lead, giving your all, but blind to what’s happening?

The people you are leading don’t care about a new KPI system, an HRIS to streamline onboarding or a culture committee.  They are sitting 3 feet away from you, needing you to focus on and give effort to the “how you do it” part of the leader/team relationship.  This is what’s missing. 

Your turnover problem, your lack of engagement and every other headache you have within your organization right now, traces its way back to leadership being asleep on the “how” side of things. 

Once you acknowledge this and change your primary focus as a leader to the “how” first, happiness from everyone at work will start to increase.  People will be satisfied. Engagement and commitment will return.  You will start to see all of the symptoms that continue to get worse start to improve.  Going to work will feel good for everyone again, including you.  Your team will respond by achieving far better results than ever before.

How Do You Do The “How” At Work?

I’ve presented Threads to thousands of leaders during the last 10 years.  Many people hear this story and instantly recognize what’s missing on their teams.  The biggest question I get is, 

“Yeah, those are great stories, but how do you do the “How” at work?”

Many people think this part of leadership is intangible.  It’s something you either have or you don’t.  In other cases, they are managing a team and have no idea where to start as one person within a large organization.

Don’t worry.  I won’t leave you hanging.  Threads is more than an inspirational idea or story.  Threads is a METHOD. It breaks down the “how” part of leadership in a systematic way that anyone can implement to build a great culture on their team.

For the leaders who think Pastor Brian’s story has no place at work, I have one last appeal to you from the most results focused organization I have ever been a part of… The United States Marine Corps.  The Marines have clearly defined expectations down to the smallest detail and enforce 100% accountability on the objectives.  What most people don’t realize however is that Marine Corps boot camp places an equal weight on “how” U.S. Marines achieve their results.